Where in the Whiskers are my Fiskars?



Okay. Work with me here. I can’t get Pepe to look me in the eye …

I have finally gotten to the line in my To-Do List, where I can make the curtains for our front door. And yes, this too, will end up on my list that proves that Pepe is once again working his magic to drive me insane. It is called The Pepe Phenomenon. But first, the background.

I had my Fiskars Rotary Cutters about a year ago. I’m sure I did. I had laid everything out on my dining room table, protected by my cutting mat. I made a decision that morning to turn my untidy heap of cotton fabric into neat squares for a quilt. Living in an old house with virtually no closets make it necessary to think of storage. The squares would be easier to store than the sloppy folded fabric of various yard lengths I had squirreled away for years.

I spent the entire afternoon running the rotary cutters along the lines of the mat with the help of my aluminum yardstick. Zip. Zip. Zip. Soon, the pile of squares was quite high. You might wonder how I remember this so well. Those of you who know me, recognize just how memory challenged I am. That, too, is because of Pepe. But that story will be another day.

When the cotton was zipped and the stack complete, I took all the scrap material and threw it in the kitchen garbage. It was time to start preparations for dinner. I realized that I needed some bread for the meatloaf I had planned. Unfortunately, Moxie had stolen all the bread off of the kitchen work table that morning while I was cleaning Pepe’s cat box. Nothing is worse than a dog digging around for kitty candy. Ugh! So I took myself off to the store, leaving Moxie in charge of house and cat.

I suppose it started innocently enough. Perhaps a string of thread dangled temptingly off the edge of the table. Perhaps Pepe saw an opportunity to improve his talent at Table Surfing. Neither Moxie or Pepe would confess. Even when I threatened to only feed them one piece of kibble that night. No. Their pact of silence was honored. So I never knew how it began.

When I returned, however, my carefully piled cotton squares were scattered throughout the house as though a cyclone had focused on spreading the squares evenly through every room. How Pepe did this in the short time I was gone is only slightly short of miraculous. When I think of the good he could do in the world if he turned from the dark side, it makes me cry.

Alas. As he reminds me, I have no proof. My phone was dead, and no photos exist. Unspeakable. I truly have been unable to speak of this until today.

I’ve looked all day for my roller cutter. Pepe has followed me around meowing sympathetically, and looking up at me with innocence in his eyes that I am convinced is fake. That’s when it all came back to me. He had the roller cutters last. Where did he hide them?

Pepe of Noswad, and the Squirrels of Chaos, Episode 2: Pepe Reveals the Squirrels of Chaos’ Evil Plan: What He Knows.


Pepe romantic

It was late spring of 2001. Following the clandestine union of two high level espionage specialists on a secret mission, I was born first in a litter of four. Mother was white with a few black spots. My father was a Halloween cat, black with yellow eyes. Together, they produced a litter of Tuxedo kittens.

I couldn’t have wished for a better mother. Warm, loving, brave. I now own a blanket that reminds me of her. On a bad night, it brings me comfort. There has been no word from her since 2003. I still keep in close contact with my sister, Creepster.

Mother began our training early. But the runt, ‘Dragoon,’ was the one chosen to receive the Mission and Title. Dragoon of Noswad. A title that I coveted. I was Pepe le Chat L’Amour. As mother used to say, ‘I was bred to hunt. I was born to love.’

All too soon we were wrested away from the fireside and mother, and taken to a training camp. We were given the code name, ‘Barn Cats,’ and we spent our young lives working to grow up brave and strong.

It was during this period that I began to suspect just how important The Mission was. Dragoon, our leader, was secretive, yet demanding. Each of us was given a directive daily that must be achieved or there would be hell to pay. Which was strange when I think of Dragoon’s appearance. Looking back, I can see that was why he was chosen. Out of the litter, he was the only long-hair. And he had the ability to look innocent, helpless and stupid. All these qualities were a ruse, however. He was none of those things.

We had plenty of space to train in. Strenuous tree climbing, road racing, creek swimming. We did it all. It wasn’t long until we discovered our first operative. George.

George lived next door in a palace made of concrete. On a regular basis he would duck his captor and run reconnaissance. We ran into him one day while he was sneaking out. We learned so much from George even though he was a dog. He taught me to never believe anything you hear about that species, and I have since trusted many of his kind. I was grateful when we were reunited years later in his retirement. But there will be more of that later.

It was George who first pointed out the dangers that were living and lurking all around us. Raccoons, Possums, Moles, Weasels and Coyotes. But the stories he told the four of us on dark nights, the ones that gave me the worst nightmares were the ones that turned out to be true. These were the stories of squirrels. The Evil Squirrels of Chaos.

I noticed Dragoon during these conferences. The expression on his face changed whenever their name was mentioned. Primal hatred, his fangs would show. Once he saw me watching, and quickly masked his expression with blank stupidity. But he knew I’d seen the truth.

But first, we will break for a word from our sponsor: Fai is putting the finishing touches on her manuscript, LeMarais. To hear about this novel and her journey to be published, please follow her blog: www.faimarie.com, Like her Facebook page: www.facebook.com/faimariedawson and follow her on Twitter: @ Faidrah. Agents may be watching … Thank you. We now return to our hero, Pepe.

Shortly after that, Dragoon was gone for longer and longer periods of time. I soon realized he was on reconnaissance trips with George. I began sitting by the back porch each day waiting for him to return. To get a hint from his smell where he’d been.

My biggest regret is the day I allowed the warm summer sun to lull me to sleep. I awoke hearing screaming, chattering and the sound of the garage door closing.

I ran around the corner as fast as my legs would take me. I would give anything to erase the sight from my mind. For there, under the closing garage door was Dragoon. Squirrels gripping each paw as they held him in place for the descending door. When they saw me they scattered. But I was too late. By the time I hit the panic button and the door reversed, it had done its damage.

It took a few moments before death took him. In those moments he passed the coveted title to me. And enough information for me to realized just how necessary my role was for the safety of the world. For the evil plot of the Squirrels of Chaos was truly diabolical.

My fur stood on end as he whispered these words, “The Squirrels of Chaos have joined consciousness with all the squirrels of the universe. Together, they prepare the way for the aliens to land. Remember this date: April 11, 2015! It is the end of the future and of all we hold dear. You must stop them!” He faded out for a moment, then with a herculean effort whispered, “Tell mother I love her, tell …” and my brother was gone. I had witnessed a syndicate hit, my innocence died with him.

Watch next Thursday for Episode 3, in which Pepe Infiltrates Enemy Lines

Pepe of Noswad, and the Squirrels of Chaos, Episode 1: I Accept my Inevitable Role

Pepe of Noswad, and the Squirrels of Chaos

Episode 1: I accept my inevitable role

I am alone, I know that now. All others are blissfully unaware of their danger, and ignorant of the role I am offered. I could refuse, but I understand the consequences if I don’t succeed. I am no longer a young cat, and I have learned so much in my journey.

The enemy is all around. I hear them ridicule me in their ugly chatter. But I recognize it for the bravado it is. I’ve heard them threaten the squirrelings, “Eat those chestnuts and become strong, or The Fur Dragon of Noswad will eat you while you sleep!” I see the young ones as they learn their battle stances. I see the moves they practice on Moxie, my adopted sibling. Poor beast. She is but a dog. She meekly takes her station daily under the tree and bears the abuse bravely so she might tell me what she learns of their Plan. For this tree, this 100 year old willow is their Headquarters. All their diabolical decisions are made here, and I fear …

But first, we will break for a word from our sponsor:
Fai is putting the finishing touches on her manuscript, LeMarais. To hear about this novel and her journey to be published, please follow her blog: www.faimarie.com, like her Facebook page: www.facebook.com/faimariedawson and follow her on Twitter: @Faidrah. Thank you. We now return to our hero, Pepe.

… I fear the repercussions of their plan will reach so far into the future that it will change the evolution of all the planet earth species forever. For this plan is the evil, despicable, hateful plan of the Squirrels of Chaos.

I can’t bear to say this name out loud. Even as a kitten, these flea-bitten creatures were the things of nightmare, myth and horror. Looking back I can see that I was groomed for this role. It was my destiny. Written in the stars, my birth chart foresaw that I was the one chosen. Yes, I must accept. The Fur Dragon of Noswad will never back down. I write this now in the event of something happening to me, and I will hide this missive in the confines of the hallowed shelf within the chimney. By tooth and claw, Pepe

Watch for Episode 2, in which Pepe Reveals the Squirrels of Chaos’ evil Plan: What He Knows.