Pepe of Noswad and the Squirrels of Chaos, Episode 5: Pepe Witnesses a Weasel Interrogation

Pepe romantic

Once we got to the bottom of the hill and entered the woods, Ralph the Raccoon took up his usual laid back bad attitude.

“Time will tell which side you’re on. But you ring my bell, and you will be done!”

I patted him on the shoulder as I would an old, trusted friend. We dropped the bling off in three batches. A small load to his Mrs. and two larger loads to both of his girlfriends. Soon we were off to the edge of the property. He said he had something I needed to see.

At the southwest side of the property, the creek ran under the railroad track in a huge culvert. It was so long, you could barely see the other side. It was the fall of the year, and the creek was high. Ralph headed into the fast water with no hesitation. Normally I would have gone another way, but I could not show any weakness in front of this crime boss. I followed him in with all the bravado I could muster. I found that I could swim!

Above the water line about halfway through, he climbed on top of a large boulder. I noticed there was a trap door in the concrete, and he knocked a secret code onto the wooden slats. Two knocks, a scratch and again two knocks. Soon the door opened slowly. Two tiny beady eyes behind very thick glasses looked out at us. I had seen these creatures before, but always in George’s mouth. Moles.

You never knew with moles. They would sell their own grandmothers if the old ladies would live long enough. The moles will tell you it’s only because they can’t see well enough to know whom they are selling. But then, would you believe a mole? Even the doctor tells you to keep your eye on them.

The mole let us in, and the door shut behind us with a clang. We were in a long, dark corridor. The syndicate used many of these creatures to build the tunnel system throughout these woods. Some poor creatures sent on missions through some of their tunnels never returned.

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Thank you. We now return to our hero, Pepe.

     It seemed we had been traveling for miles in the dark. The tunnel was narrow in places, and I could hear Ralph curse the moles for not making them wide enough for his glorious girth. After about 30 minutes, I could hear squeaky voices, and soon, we entered a large space filled with various pieces of furniture.

At least at first I thought it was furniture. As I sat down and began to wash my whiskers, I noticed this was no ordinary table.

Vines tied down the unfortunate creature on top of the table. His two feet stretched as tightly as possible and secured to the bottom edge of the table. His wings, for he was a robin, was stretched and secured to the side. Weasels were on all sides of him taunting and poking him, threatening to eat him for lunch if he didn’t sing.

After fifteen minutes, the poor fool did sing. Loudly. Sadly, the weasels didn’t keep their promise. Red white and dark brown feathers littered the floor while the weasels loudly burped. The information he so willingly gave made my whiskers tingle.

Area 31. The landing pad of alien squirrels.

Stay tuned next Thursday for Episode 6, in which Pepe relays important information to George.

Pepe of Noswad and the Squirrels of Chaos, Episode 4: Pepe and Ralph Raid the House and Find More Than Bling

Pepe romantic


I knew from observation that the people of the house always left a window open upstairs. I shimmied up the post of the wrap around porch, and scrambled across the roof. The raccoon was old, and I could hear him wheezing as he followed closely. We came in through the bathroom window.

I carefully levered myself down into the sink, then down to the carpet. Ralph hesitated and grabbed the faucet lever for support as he swung down into the sink. This turned the water on, and a few minutes were wasted with his jubilant frolic in the water. Boring quickly, he left the water running and joined me on the floor, shaking vigorously to dry his fur. What I didn’t know at that time, was that somehow he had closed the drain.

The jewelry cabinet was standing in the corner of the bedroom. It was about four feet tall, and held seven drawers. Together, we rocked it until it fell over. Ralph made short work of collecting all the pieces that were sparkly and shiny. We filled a pillowcase with his treasures and went back to the bathroom to leave the way we came.

To my dismay, water was cascading from the full sink down the front of the cabinets and pooling in the soft pink carpet. There was no escape that way.

We exited out the bedroom door into the hall. There, we could hear something. Voices in the language of my people. They were behind a closed door at the end of the hall.

The search for bling had changed to a rescue operation. I ran halfway up the door, trying my best to turn the knob with my body. When Ralph saw what I was trying to do, he yelled, “Stand back!”

Then he did the most remarkable thing. Standing on his hind legs, he stretched until his front paws reached the doorknob. Looking straight up at the ceiling, he gently felt all around the brass knob until it turned and the door swung open.

Five small black and white tuxedo kittens exploded out of the room and were gone. They resembled my siblings and I so much, I instantly knew they had to be my mother’s next litter. But I didn’t want their recognition yet; Ralph must not know the connection. George would be happy to hear this bit of information.

I ran down the stairs while Ralph slid down the banister, leaving deep scratch marks in the wood with his claws. As we turned the corner into the kitchen, his nose went into the air. The smell of salmon thawing on the kitchen counter enticed both of us. Together, we wrestled the package onto the tile floor and unwrapped it. A not-so-friendly game of tug-of-war ensued, and the salmon was soon ripped in half.

Ralph disappeared as I was digging into my piece. When I heard a loud splash, I looked around the cabinet into the family room. There, in a small alcove was a hot tub. In the middle of the hot tub sat Ralph, washing his pilfered salmon before devouring it.

I could hear a car coming down the driveway, and I struggled alone to open the window. Some of Ralph’s bling had settled on the bottom of the hot tub, the bones of the salmon floated on top. Ralph grabbed what bling he could, and we squeezed through the window and ran like hell down the hill into the woods.

From the house we could hear the scream, “Bad kittens!” We didn’t turn back.


Next Thursday, watch for Episode 5, in which Pepe Witnesses a Weasel Interrogation